sense of self

Oh hey. 

Just listening to Christmas music over here using Pandora. 

{a lil o' bit of T swift, josh groban, david archuleta, trans siberian orchestra, glee cast, and charlie brown?}

I think Pandora is getting confused from all the thumbs up and thumbs down I've been doing.

       Christmas music
plus Watching Ammon and Nephi play chess.
plus Counting down the days until the end of the semester.
plus Getting really excited to make crafts with all my upcoming free time.
plus A lot of insightful thoughts running through my head.
                                                                                                             
EQUALS the perfect time to blog

Earlier today was one of those moments where I felt so incredibly helpless. It was a momentary feeling, but it was a little scary. It's during moments like that where I realize the standing of my testimony. What do I know to be true and what am I still unsure about?

Here's what I know to be true:
-There were 2 plans up in Heaven before I came here.
-Satan's plan left no room for agency; a road with no rocks or cracks to trip over.
-Christ's plan not only has rocks and cracks to fall on, but mountains to climb and canyons that seem impossible to cross.
-Without those mountains and canyons, I wouldn't learn a thing. My life on earth would be pointless.
-People who get back up every time they fall are the coolest people I know. They have become something rather than just existing.
-And that's why I'm grateful for trials; they help me actually become something.

Yesterday I had the opportunity to hear from Kevin Kling.
He was born with a birth defect on one arm and then later completely lost the use of his other arm in a motorcycle accident. Do you think I was listening closely when he gave advice? Oh yeah.
He said the following quote:

And I think he's absolutely right.

He ain't the leavin' kind

sometimes while riding the bus to UVU i like to listen to random songs on my i-pod.
i happened to fall upon this song right when i was feeling kind of down
it wasn't until i was about halfway done with the song that
i decided to actually listen to the lyrics.
at first i thought the song was talking about a random person
and i thought:
"is this guy for real?"
and then i realized that he is indeed for real. he is as real as you let him.
this song is about God.
and how he never leaves us. 
i got a little emotional :)

He ain't the leavin' kind- Rascal Flatts

enjoy exercising

On Thursday I spent a few hours reading various blogs. One of my favorite blogs to read is written by my good friend, Molly Miner. She has been an inspiration to me ever since rooming with her in Idaho a few years ago. Also, she and her husband are so fun and they have the cutest little girl so it's easy to see why I can spend multiple minutes adoring over her blog.

Anyway! As I was skimming through her blog, I came across a post she wrote titled Do It Now. If you have a chance, you should read it! She starts off by saying if we even have the slightest inkling to exercise to do it right away. Because it's so easy to talk ourselves out of exercising. But she also mentions that we won't regret if we do. The thing that stood out to me was when she wrote, "how long does 30 minutes of exercise take? 30 min. ;)" And that really hit me! Lately I haven't been too excited to run because I feel like I have to run further and faster than I did last time. But after reading her post, I realized that how far and fast doesn't matter. What's important is that I just do it.

Then she challenged her readers to make it a goal to exercise 5 times a week for a month. After I read that, I was motivated. I had no excuse. In my head I said, "Darn you Molly, now I have to run. :)" I ran for 30 minutes on Thursday and I didn't worry about where I was going or how slow I was. It allowed me to enjoy exercising! Anyway. I'm officially starting my goal this Monday. So wish me luck. :)

This idea of not worrying how far and fast also applies to daily scripture study. It doesn't matter how far you read or when you finish. What matters is that you read until you feel inspired and then apply it to your life. Remember to enjoy the journey and not focus on the finish line-even with the little things we do every day.

home

             Today I feel

                              .... weird...

And I can't explain it. Have you ever spent hours in contact with numerous familiar faces, but not one of them seems to echo the warm expressions you’re trying to convey toward them? And everything that comes out of your mouth contrasts with what you gathered in your mind? And you go home to someone who really cares about you and even though they are providing just what you need, it doesn't help. You try and tell yourself that you’re being irrational; it doesn't matter what other people think. And yet you can’t shake the thought that maybe you don’t belong anywhere.

I see the same faces at work, school, and at church. And everyone is friendly. And some people are extra nice. But sometimes I still feel alone. It’s like I’m trying to be best friends with everyone I come in contact with that day. But in reality, all I need are the people I call family.  I came across a quote I really like:

“Everybody has a home team: It’s the people you call when you get a flat tire or when something terrible happens. It’s the people who, near or far, know everything that’s wrong with you and love you anyways. These are the ones who tell you their secrets, who get themselves a glass of water without asking when they’re at your house. These are the people who cry when you cry. These are your people, your middle-of-the-night, no-matter-what people.”-Shauna Niequist, Bittersweet: Thoughts on Change, Grace, and Learning the Hard Way

It doesn't matter if all my co-workers love me, or my classmates, or the people in my ward. What matters is that I’m the luckiest girl because I have the best home team. Just to name a few members:

My husband

My parents

My best friend Rachelle

My parents-in-law

My brothers

My grandma Mary

My aunties Laura and Karoline

My brother-in-law Nephi

My cousin Amber

And especially my Heavenly Father. No matter how near or far I've placed Him in my life, He still loves me. He knows all my secrets, my stumbles, and my irrational fears. He cries when I cry and He is definitely my middle-of-the-night, no-matter-what kind of person.

Today I feel:

much better

humble

and amazed.

And I can explain it. :)

it's the little things

it's the little things in life that truly make me happy.
it's the small moments spent with my husband that make me realize how much i love him.
it's the personal accomplishments along the path of life that make me feel good inside.
it's the relationship i have with my family and with God that let me know i'm never alone.

for example, today my husband and i google chatted for the first time ever. some couples meet online and it's kind of weird/different when they speak to each other in person for the first time. ammon and i have only been communicating verbally for quite some time {we share a phone} that it was kind of weird/different chatting it up via google today. and it was fun! our conversation went from being amazed at technology to inserting smiley faces into everything we typed. and i was smiling the whole time because my husband is also my best friend.

today i rode my bike all the way to UVU and then all the way back home again.
according to google maps, it's about 5 miles away and takes 30 minutes on bike to get there.
well, to me it felt more like 10 miles, and it took me almost an hour...
buy hey! this was a personal accomplishment and i'm glad i did it.

last week my mom took me and ammon to lunch. then she let us borrow her car for the day so we could buy a new vacuum and a lot of other much needed items. my mom cares about me so much. the way she smiles when i talk, the hugs she gives me, and the time she sets aside to spend with me all show me her love. i love her more than words can express!

lately, i've been praying to feel things more. i want to feel the spirit more. i want to feel love for other people more, i want to feel closer to God. i want to feel changes in myself as i try and improve. God is listening. He loves me. I know it. I can feel it. :)

honesty goes a long way

I had an eye-opening moment today at work that I want to write down. It's not necessarily for you guys (although I'd love to hear your feedback!) but it's so I can remember the thoughts I pulled from having the following experience. 

A cute couple sat at my table. The host came up to me and politely said, "You're sat Leah!" I walked to the table and began my usual routine of introducing myself and starting them off with drinks. They were also ready to order. Two waters, a lasagna and a deep dish 8 in pizza.

I quickly entered in their order, brought them their waters and then left to attend other tables. A couple minutes later, it was time to drop off their salads. When I got to the table, there sat the lasagna. And not the pizza. The lady turned to the guy and said in a frustrated voice, "Tell her to take that back. That is so rude that they brought it out without waiting for the pizza." I quickly apologized by saying, "I'm so sorry about that..." with which she responded, "Oh it's not your fault." I gulped and then explained, "Well, actually it is. There's a button I'm supposed to push called "hold and fire" which tells the grill guy to wait on making the lasagna until the pizza is ready. And I forgot to push it." They didn't say much, but the conversation ended with me explaining that I'd make sure they came out at the same time and taking the lasagna back to the kitchen.

Okay. Pause button. When she said it wasn't my fault, I was tempted for a split second to agree with her. I could have easily blamed other people (which, I uh... may have done before) But I am so glad I didn't this time! When I went back to their table to check on their food, they were so nice to me! Like, really nice. And you know what thought kept running through my head? "Honesty goes a long way." 

This reminded me of something another server once told me. Her name is Cassi, and she has been serving at Brick Oven for years and years. She was one of my trainers so I soaked in everything she had to say. She told me, "If I ever make a mistake. I always take the blame for it. People really appreciate it." She was right. :)

This story wasn't exceptionally remarkable or remarkably exceptional, but it taught me something I needed to be taught. Honesty really is the best policy. Always. :)

the bus ride home

every thursday i ride the bus home from school
same bus
same time
and same bus driver

as i was listening to ingrid's new album, human again, (which by the way, is AMAZING!) i was able to observe people in a different light. there's just something about drowning out all the noise around me and replacing it with a song of my choice that makes me look at the world and the people in it differently.

suddenly, the girl sitting 2 seats away from me was no longer just another girl on the bus. as i inconspicuously observed her happily conversing with another girl across from us (who appeared to be new at the whole "bus" thing) how i viewed her changed. she became friendly, knowledgeable, even inspiring! and i felt really good sitting next to her.

my bus driver was no longer just a bus driver, but a friendly, heart-warming human who had feelings too. i watched him point outside the window or nod his head and smile when people talked to him. he put his hand high in the air and waved when another bus passed by. he pretended to shut the door on someone and laughed as he let them back in. he's always been more than a bus driver, but for the first time i SAW it.

after i got off the bus and started walking the 3 blocks ahead of me, the song: blood brothers was playing in my headphones. this got me thinking. too often, i find myself viewing the world from a "me" standpoint. the one where anyone different than myself starts to bug me and it's all their fault. but when i take a moment, and view people from a "them" standpoint and see where they're coming from, we're incredibly similar! what they want, i want too. we all crave food, water, shelter, and love. people will always do things we don't understand. but if we just remember that we all have that in common, then maybe we wouldn't rate people. and maybe just maybe they might not even bug us. (that's the one that's really hard for me)

 as ingrid so beautifully said, "we're all the same, under a different name."

perspective

in the movie, Ratatouille, a hard-to-please food critic orders some  fresh, clear, well seasoned perspective
he is given ratatouille, a dish that brings him back to moments spent in the kitchen during his childhood
this pleases him and he gives an astounding review

a few weeks later, i was swinging on a swing with my head upside-down
i've always done this, but never really knew why
then it hit me, i did it because because i saw things with a new perspective

a few weeks after that i was pondering in the temple, and again, the word perspective stood out to me
i prayed to see things how God wants me to see things
i prayed my perspective would be changed with his help
then maybe the things that i have been worrying about might go away

right now, i am looking back and i see that this prayer is being answered
my perspective is changing!
negative thoughts are hard to replace; especially the ones about yourself
but i feel different. better. and i'm so grateful for the gospel that is helping me gain a new perspective on things